Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The best skyline in Europe: Benidorm



Yeah, yeah, we know all about the John Bull pubs, full English breakfasts and lardy binmen from Burnley getting scarlet in the sun. But what a set of buildings. The Spanish coast is full of quaint fishing towns and 'pueblos blancos' where you can get a nice fridge magnet, but none of them have the impact of this place. Tuscany, with its virgin olive oil, artisan cheese workshops and tasteful local restaurants full of smug Guardianistas can go and take a running jump. Another Spanish victory.









Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Proposed Hollywood versions of old wars and battles

Hastings: Betrayal & Loss



Set-up: William, Duke of Normandy has been promised the English throne by Edward the Confessor (played by Bob Hoskins). One man stands in his way: Harold Godwinson
Defining scene: When Harold realises that he’s been betrayed by his brother, he runs from York to the south coast in four hours to meet the enemy
Strapline: ‘The man. The dream. The tapestry.’
Improbable historical event: The use of a Leonardo Da Vinci-style helicopter to fire a flaming arrow into Harold’s eye
Hollywood twist: William not only captures the English throne but discovers America, where in 1070 he marries Lady Guinevere Mascara of Dieppe

Belgrano: Survival




Set-up: Colonel Arsenio ‘Taffy’ Diaz has 30 minutes to save his men from the Belgrano. Tragically, Diaz is from Welsh Patagonia and speaks no Spanish
Defining scene: Floating in the cold, dark waters of the south Atlantic, the Colonel lifts the spirits of his men by holding an impromptu eisteddfod
Strapline: ‘Can a man save a ship with song?’
Improbable historical event: Madonna, as the ghost of Evita Peron, blesses the men as they wait for a rescue
Hollywood twist: The Belgrano is rescued from the sea, restored to its former glory – and made into a floating music venue

Bad Day in Belgium



Set-up:
Napoleon knows that if he’s going to rule Europe, he needs to defeat his nemesis, Wellington. John Woo directs
Defining scene: The 18-minute, Tarantino-style musket shoot-out between Wellington and Napoleon
Strapline: ‘It’s 1815. And Napoleon Bonaparte has a headache’
Improbable historical event: As Napoleon is captured, Abba appear, disguised as toothless peasants, playing on mandolins
Hollywood twist: Napoleon is revealed as Wellington’s long-lost brother, Leonard. They make up and move to New York together

Henry the Fifth: Redux



Set-up: The defining story of the man who humiliated France and gave England its pride back at Agincourt
Defining scene: Henry V celebrates his triumph by refusing to eat coq au vin, plumping for a slab of overcooked beef instead
Strapline: ‘When you go to France, bring back a souvenir – like Paris’
Improbable historical event: Henry V: “Say, who’s that?” Black Prince: “Ah, just some scribbler called Shakespeare, nothing will become of loser”
Hollywood twist: Before the battle, Henry employs a gay Italian hairdresser called Franco to ensure his symmetry of his bowl cut is perfect

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

It's back and it's Bosser than ever



The Liverpool fanzine that differentiates itself from similar publications by not being boring or full of tedious articles by posh boys about skateboarding or indie.
Buy it here.

They've even done an internet promo too – like proper magazines do. The scamps.



Saturday, August 02, 2008

I like this new Merseyrail map



As the old place has been given European Capital of Music and Stuff, some chaps have done a map which is a bit like the Great Bear one of the London Underground from a few years back. It's got loads of famous scousers on it. Buy it from here.